ARTIFICIALITY IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE TEACHING

ARTIFICIALITY IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE TEACHING
(You Be the Judge)

Foreign language programs can be subdivided into "immersion" or "non-immersion" formats, realia-based or not, "conversational" or "intellectual" in approach, student- or teacher-centered, etc. Yet, regardless of the methodology or approach being implemented in any second-language classroom (L-2), to what degree is the L2 material directly applicable to the student's daily routine in his or her life? Or rather, just how artificial is the program being taught?

Artificiality can be loosely defined as being outside the realm of our daily conversation. Thus, this would further entail saying illogical things that have a very low probability rate of ever being used in daily discourse, throughout one's lifetime.

Most foreign language instruction programs are either Content-Based or Grammar-Based, regardless of the method or L2 approach being employed. In a Content-Based curriculum, while rooted in real day-to-day situations, context and meaning come first, grammatical clarity second. Therefore, the foreign language student can immediately integrate his or her newly acquired language skills into their daily lives by thus becoming intelligible to native speakers, oftentimes from Day One.

In a Grammar-Based curriculum, grammatical graphs and/or verb charts are learned and memorized by rote drilling, then imaginary "diälogues" are tailor-made to fit the grammatical structures being presented. Thus, we end up with totally nonsensical conversation that transmits little to no meaningful exchange, is devoid of logical understanding altogether on the part of the listener, and thus prevents language students from ever being able to communicate with native speakers adequately in the target language. Oftentimes, the authors of such "counterfeit" foreign language curriculums make the common mistake of thinking that, since adult language learners are much like pre-schoolers in their lack of proficiency level in the second language, therefore, the adults' activities must also be on the same, very elementary level.

Such programs are reminiscent of the 19th Century "little red schoolhouses" with their Grammar-Translation Approach along with dictionaries in hand. Quite outmoded, I must say, due mainly to the fact that no single person, even if they lived to be 90 years of age, would ever talk such nonsense to their peers during their daily (very long) lives.

Here are some specific examples of artificial activities actually being presented currently in a 100-level series Spanish course in a particular community college on the West Coast of the United States.

Would you ever use the following interactions in your native language on a day-to-day basis? Try these sentences on any adult native English-speaker and just watch their reäction:

ARTIFICIALITY 1-

        WHAT DOES A DOG DO?                                  IT GOES "BOW WOW".
        AND WHAT DOES A HEN DO?                         IT GOES "CLUCK, CLUCK".
    WHAT DOES A CAT DO?                                   IT GOES "MEOW, MEOW".
        AND WHAT DOES A PERSON DO?                 S/HE SAYS "BLAH, BLAH."

ARTIFICIALITY 2-

    MR. SMITH, TAKE THE RED-COLORED BLOCK AND STAND IT UP NEXT TO THE WHITE ONE.
        NOW, TAKE THE BLACK BLOCK AND LIE IT DOWN NEXT TO THE ORANGE ONE.
KATE, TAKE THE PENCILS AND PUT THEM LYING DOWN ON THE TABLE, PLEASE.
        THANK YOU......DON'T MENTION IT.

AND WHAT COLOR ARE THE BLOCKS?
SOME ARE RED, OTHERS ARE BROWN, AND ANOTHER IS BLACK.

WHAT COLOR ARE THE BALLOONS?
FOUR ARE BLACK, TWO ARE GREEN, ONE IS PURPLE, AND FIVE ARE WHITE.

WHERE IS THE ORANGE BLOCK?
THE ORANGE ONE IS LYING DOWN BENEATH THE BLACK ONE THAT IS LYING DOWN BENEATH THE GREEN ONES THAT ARE STANDING UP BENEATH THE YELLOW ONE THAT IS LYING UNDERNEATH THE RED ONE.

MRS. JENKINS, TAKE ONE HUNDRED ONE (101) NOTEBOOKS AND STAND THEM UP ON THE CHAIR, PLEASE. AND NOW, TAKE FIVE HUNDRED THIRTY-ONE (531) PIECES OF CHALK AND LIE THEM DOWN ON TOP OF THE NOTEBOOKS.

ARTIFICIALITY 3-

IF TODAY IS MONDAY, WHAT DAY WILL TOMORROW BE?.....OR THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW?
AND IF TODAY IS FRIDAY, WHAT DAY WAS YESTERDAY?...OR THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY?

ARTIFICIALITY 4-

ON THE HILL, THE MOON SHINES DOWN UPON THE WINDMILL. (Repeat, class)....ON THE HILL, .....etc.

ARTIFICIALITY 5-

IS THIS A NAME? YES, IT'S A NAME. (singular practice)
IS THIS A NAME? YES, IT'S A NAME ALSO

ARE THESE WINDMILLS? NO, THEY ARE NOT WINDMILLS (plural practice)
ARE THESE WINDMILLS? NO, THEY ARE NOT WINDMILLS EITHER

ARTIFICIALITY 6-

WHAT ARE THE MONTHS OF SPRINGTIME IN BUFFALO, NEW YORK?      (Northern Hemisphere)
    THEY ARE MARCH, APRIL, MAY, AND PART OF JUNE.
AND WHAT ARE THE MONTHS OF WINTER IN VALPARAISO, CHILE?    (Southern Hemisphere)
    THEY ARE JUNE , JULY, AUGUST, AND PART OF SEPTEMBER.

ARTIFICIALITY 7-

WHAT IS THERE IN THE CLASSROOM?
THERE ARE MANY STUDENTS, THREE MAPS, LIGHTS, A CARPET, AND SIX BASKETS.
AND HOW MANY CLOCKS ARE THERE?
THERE ARE TWO CLOCKS IN THE CLASS.

ARTIFICIALITY 8-

HOW MANY HENS ARE THERE IN THE CLASSROOM?
AND HOW MANY WRIST WATCHES AND CLOCKS ARE THERE IN THE CLASSROOM?

ARTIFICIALITY 9-

"PRONUNCIATION PLEASE": 589, 431, 861, 009, 411, 017
(Who would ever use this large of a number in their lives, barring astronomers or mathematicians?)

ARTIFICIALITY 10-

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
I'M LOOKING FOR A DENTIST WHO KNOWS HOW TO PULL TEETH WELL.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
I'M LOOKING FOR A CARPENTER WHO KNOWS HOW TO HAMMER NAILS.

YOU'RE IN LUCK! I KNOW OF ONE. JESUS GONZALES IS A CARPENTER WHO CAN HAMMER NAILS WELL.

AND JUST WHAT IS BOEING LOOKING FOR?
BOEING IS LOOKING FOR A PILOT WHO KNOWS HOW TO FLY JET AIRPLANES.

AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU LOOKING FOR LAST YEAR?
LAST YEAR, I WAS LOOKING FOR A SEAMSTRESS WHO KNEW HOW TO SEW CLOTHING.

AND WHAT WAS N.A.S.A. NEEDING?
N.A.S.A. WAS NEEDING AN ASTRONAUT WHO COULD FLY TO THE MOON.

ARTIFICIALITY 11-

WHAT DO WE USE A KNIFE FOR?
WE USE A KNIFE TO APPLY BUTTER TO BREAD.

AND WHAT DO WE USE A FORK FOR?
WE USE A FORK TO RAISE FOOD TO OUR MOUTHS.

AND WHAT DO WE USE A TABLECLOTH FOR?
WE USE A TABLECLOTH FOR COVERING THE TABLE.

ARTIFICIALITY 12-

WHAT THREE ACTIONS DID YOU DO THIS MORNING?
THIS MORNING I AWOKE, READ A BOOK, AND WENT TO WORK.

ARTIFICIALITY 13-

WHAT IS THERE IN OUR RESTAURANT THE BLUE HEN?
THERE IS A SERIOUS WAITER WHO POURS COFFEE.

AND WHAT ELSE IS THERE IN THE RESTAURANT?
` THERE IS A MAîTRE D' WHO GREETS THE PATRONS AS THEY ENTER.

WHAT WAS THERE IN THE RESTAURANT LAST SATURDAY?
THERE WAS A WAITER WHO WAS CHATTING WITH PATRONS.

AND JUST WHERE WAS S/HE?
S/HE WAS IN THE KITCHEN, CHATTING WITH THE BUSBOY.

AND WHAT WAS THE BUSBOY LIKE?
HE WAS TALL, DARK, HANDSOME, AND EXTROVERTED.

WAS THERE A "HEAD CHEF" OF THE RESTAURANT?
YES, THERE WAS ONE WHO WAS VERY SERIOUS AND INDUSTRIOUS.

WAS THERE A WATER FOUNTAIN TOO?
NO, THERE WASN'T A SINGLE ONE.

WAS THERE A DISHWASHER?
YES, THERE WERE TWO OF THEM.

AND WHAT WAS ONE OF THEM LIKE?
ONE OF THEM WAS TALL, BLOND, AND NICE; THE OTHER ONE WAS INTROVERTED..

AND WHAT WAS S/HE DOING?
S/HE WAS TALKING TO THE CASHIER.

AND WHERE WAS S/HE?
S/HE WAS IN THE CENTER OF THE RESTAURANT.

AND WHAT WAS S/HE LIKE?
S/HE WAS VERY AGREEABLE.

AND HOW WAS S/HE FEELING?
S/HE WAS FEELING SOMEWHAT TIRED.

AND WHAT COLOR WERE THE WALLS?
THE WALLS WERE CREAMY WHITE, ALL OF THEM!

ARTIFICIALITY 14-

           WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, DID YOU USED TO LIKE BANANAS?
                 YES, I USED TO LIKE BANANAS.
            AND NOW?
                 NOW I DON'T LIKE THEM ANYMORE.

ARTIFICIALITY 15-

WHAT WAS THERE IN THE BEDROOM OF YOUR CHILDHOOD?
THERE WAS A MAROON CURTAIN, A PHONOGRAPH PLAYER, AND A T.V.

AND WHAT ELSE WAS IN THE BEDROOM OF YOUR CHILDHOOD?
THERE WAS AN OLD REFRIGERATOR THAT WAS BLACK AND WHITE.

ARTIFICIALITY 16-

ARE YOU FAT?
NO, I'M NOT FAT AT ALL. ON THE CONTRARY, I AM RATHER GAUNT.

ARE YOU DILIGENT?
YES, I AM VERY DILIGENT. THAT IS TO SAY: I AM NOT LAZY WHATSOEVER.

ARTIFICIALITY 17-

IS IT GOOD THAT YOU GO TO THE STORE?
YES, IT IS GOOD THAT I GO TO THE STORE.

IS IT BAD THAT YOU EAT TOO MANY SWEETS?
YES, IT IS BAD THAT I EAT TOO MANY SWEETS.

DO YOU LIKE THAT I SING MORE SONGS?
NO, I DON'T LIKE THAT YOU SING MORE SONGS.

ARTIFICIALITY 18-

ARE YOU PRETTIER THAN YOUR SISTER?
NO, I AM NOT PRETTIER THAN MY SISTER. THAT IS TO SAY: I AM UGLIER THAN SHE.

        IS YOUR FATHER STINGIER THAN YOUR UNCLE?
            NO, MY FATHER IS NOT STINGIER THAN MY UNCLE. ON THE CONTRARY, MY UNCLE IS MORE GENEROUS.
            BUT MY BROTHER AND I ARE BOTH ALIKE.

IS AUNT BETSY MORE DILIGENT THAN YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW MILDRED?
NO, BOTH OF THEM ARE THE SAME.

ARTIFICIALITY 19-

HOW MANY SECONDS ARE THERE IN A MINUTE?
THERE ARE 60 SECONDS IN A MINUTE.

AND HOW MANY WEEKS ARE THERE IN A SEASON?
THERE ARE 12 WEEKS IN A SEASON (not exactly accurate)

AND JUST HOW MANY YEARS ARE THERE IN A DECADE?
THERE ARE 10 YEARS IN A DECADE.

AND HOW MANY CENTURIES ARE THERE IN AN ÉPOCH? IN AN ERA?
THIS IS NOT VERY SPECIFIC.

ARTIFICIALITY 20-

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I AM GOING TO TAKE A PENCIL.

AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
I AM TAKING A PENCIL.

NOW WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
I HAVE TAKEN A PENCIL.

ARTIFICIALITY 21-

WHAT'S ON THE STREET?
THERE IS A YELLOW BUILDING, A MAILBOX, A TRAFFIC SIGNAL, AND FOUR CORNERS WITH SIDEWALKS.

ARTIFICIALITY 22- (This could be a real conversation, but a rare one at that):

WHO IS THIS?
IT'S THE HEAD CHEF.

AND WHERE IS S/HE?
S/HE IS AT THE BACK OF THE RESTAURANT.

AND WHAT IS S/HE DOING?
S/HE IS PREPARING THE DINNER.

ARTIFICIALITY 23-

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING TODAY?
I AM WEARING BLUE JEANS, A WHITE T-SHIRT AND TENNIS SHOES.

AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO WEAR TOMORROW?
TOMORROW I AM GOING TO WEAR A RAINCOAT, SWEAT PANTS, AND HEAVY BOOTS.

AND WHAT HAVE YOU WORN THIS WEEK?
THIS WEEK, I HAVE WORN A PULLOVER, BLACK PANTS, AND LOAFERS.

ARTIFICIALITY 24-

ARE YOU THE HOSTESS OF THE RESTAURANT?
YES I AM.

AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM BIDDING THE PATRONS FAREWELL.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTERWARDS?
LATER ON, I AM GOING TO RETURN HOME.

AND JUST WHAT HAVE YOU DONE BEFORE THIS? (Grammatically incorrect!)
BEFORE THIS, I HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE AND PICKED UP MY MAIL.

ARTIFICIALITY 25-

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY, AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS AFTERNOON?
I HAVE AWAKENED, GOTTEN DRESSED, AND THIS AFTERNOON I AM GOING TO LUNCH OUT.

ARTIFICIALITY 26-

WHO ARE THEY?
THEY ARE THE MUSICIANS.

AND HOW ARE THEY?
THEY ARE FINE.

AND WHAT ARE THEY LIKE?
THEY ARE ORGANIZED, INTROVERTED, AND VERY TALENTED.

ARTIFICIALITY 27-

THE SUN SHINES DOWN ON THE BROWN DOGS, THE GRAY DONKEYS, AND ON THE THREE WHITE HENS.

ARTIFICIALITY 28-

HOW DO I GET TO THE PHARMACY? (This question is contextual,, but not the response)
FIRST, IT IS NECESSARY TO CROSS THE STREET, THEN TO CONTINUE STRAIGHT AHEAD ON 8TH STREET.

THEN, IT IS NECESSARY TO TURN LEFT AT THE CORNER OF PALM TREE WAY.
FINALLY, IT IS NECESSARY TO VEER TO THE RIGHT AT CHERRY HILL PARK AND THERE IT IS ON THE LEFT.

ARTIFICIALITY 29-

WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, WHAT TIME DID YOU NORMALLY GO TO BED?
IN GENERAL, I USED TO GO TO BED AT 10 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT.

AND YESTERDAY?
YESTERDAY, I WENT TO BED AT MIDNIGHT.

AND WHAT TIME ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO BED TONIGHT?
TONIGHT, I AM GOING TO GO TO BED AT 11 P.M.

ARTIFICIALITY 30-

WHAT TIME DO YOU NORMALLY HAVE BREAKFAST?
I NORMALLY EAT BREAKFAST AT 9 IN THE MORNING.

AND WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD?
WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I USED TO TAKE BREAKFAST AT 7:30 A.M.

AND YESTERDAY, WHAT TIME DID YOU HAVE BREAKFAST?
YESTERDAY I ATE BREAKFAST AT 11:00 A.M.

AND TOMORROW, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE BREAKFAST?
TOMORROW I AM GOING TO HAVE BREAKFAST AROUND 8:30 IN THE MORNING.

ARTIFICIALITY 31-

WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU USED TO DO NORMALLY IN THE MORNINGS?
NORMALLY, I WOULD HAVE BREAKFAST AND THEN GET DRESSED.

AND IN THE AFTERNOONS?
IN THE AFTERNOONS, I WOULD TAKE OUT THE TRASH AND GO FOR A WALK.

AND IN THE EVENINGS?
IN THE EVENINGS, I USED TO WATCH T.V. AND THEN GO TO SLEEP.

AND WHAT TIME DID YOU USED TO SIT DOWN?
I WOULD SIT DOWN AT 8 O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING WHEN I WAS 18 YEARS OF AGE.

ARTIFICIALITY 32-

SIMON SAYS "TOUCH YOUR NOSE, RAISE YOUR HANDS, LIFT YOUR FEET.." etc.
NOW, WHAT DOES SIMON WANT YOU TO DO?

ARTIFICIALITY 33-

WHAT DOES GRANDMA SUGGEST THAT YOU DO IN THE KITCHEN?
GRANDMA SUGGESTS THAT I WASH AND DRY THE DISHES.

WHAT DOES AMANDA INSIST THAT THOMAS DO IN THE LIVING ROOM?
AMANDA INSISTS THAT HE VACUUM THE RUG AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

WHAT DOES THE MAID IMPLORE THAT WE DO IN THE HALLWAY?
THE MAID IMPLORES THAT YOU ALL WIPE YOUR FEET BEFORE ENTERING THE HOUSE.

WHAT DOES RALPH DEMAND THAT THEY DO IN THE BATHROOM?
RALPH DEMANDS THAT THEY HANG UP THE TOWELS AND CLEAN THE COUNTERS.

WHAT DO THE POLICE PROHIBIT US FROM DOING?
THE POLICE PROHIBIT US FROM DRINKING WHILE DRIVING.

ARTIFICIALITY 34-

WHAT IS THIS PERSON DOING AND WHAT HAS S/HE DONE BEFORE THAT?
S/HE IS PLAYING TENNIS AND BEFORE THAT S/HE HAS EATEN BREAKFAST.

WHAT WAS THIS PERSON DOING AND WHAT HAD S/HE DONE BEFORE?
THIS PERSON WAS ARRIVING TO WORK AND BEFORE THAT, S/HE HAD LEFT THE HOUSE.

ARTIFICIALITY 35-

WITH TEN FREE MINUTES AVAILABLE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
WITH TEN FREE MINUTES AVAILABLE, I WOULD READ A BOOK.

WITH THREE MONTHS AVAILABLE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
WITH THREE MONTHS FREE, I WOULD TAKE A TRIP TO ALASKA.

ARTIFICIALITY 36-

HOW MANY MINUTES ARE THERE IN ONE HOUR?
THERE ARE SIXTY MINUTES IN ONE HOUR.

AND HOW MANY HOURS ARE THERE IN ONE WEEK?
THERE ARE 168 HOURS IN ONE WEEK.

ARTIFICIALITY 37-

WHAT DID YOU DO LAST WEEKEND AND WHAT WILL YOU DO THIS COMING WEEKEND?
LAST WEEKEND I SMOKED CIGARETTES AND THIS COMING WEEKEND I'LL TRY QUITTING THE HABIT.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THREE WEEKS FREE?
WITH THREE WEEKS FREE, I WOULD RELAX AND PLAY GUITAR TOO.

ARTIFICIALITY 38-

WHICH PENCIL IS THIS ONE?
IT IS THE THIRD ONE.

AND WHICH COLORED BLOCK IS THIS ONE?
IT IS THE EIGHTH ONE.

ARTIFICIALITY 39-

MR. SMITH, STAND UP, GO TO THE DOOR, AND CLOSE IT. WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DO I WANT ( YOU TO DO)?
YOU WANT ME TO STAND UP, TO GO TO THE DOOR, AND TO CLOSE IT.

WELL, DO IT THEN...THANK YOU
DON'T MENTION IT (The action happens).

OK, NOW WHAT DID I WANT YOU TO DO?
YOU WANTED ME TO STAND UP, TO GO TO THE DOOR, AND TO CLOSE IT.

AND JUST WHAT DID YOU DO?
FIRST, I GOT UP, THEN WALKED TO THE DOOR, AND FINALLY I CLOSED IT.

ARTIFICIALITY 40-

LAST SATURDAY AT THE JONES'S HOUSE, WHAT DID LINDA PREFER THAT HENRY DO?
LINDA PREFERRED THAT HENRY PLUG IN THE LAMPS.

AND WHAT DID HENRY DO?
` HE PLUGGED THEM IN.

ARTIFICIALITY 41-

WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, WHAT DID YOUR MOTHER WANT YOU TO DO AROUND THE HOUSE?
WHEN I WAS A CHILD, MY MOTHER WANTED ME TO WATER THE PLANTS AND TO FEED THE CATS.

AND JUST WHAT DID YOUR FATHER DEMAND THAT YOU DO, WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD?
WHEN I WAS A CHILD, MY FATHER DEMANDED THAT I MAKE MY BED AND FILL THE DISHWASHER.

ARTIFICIALITY 42-

WHAT DO DOCTORS DO?
DOCTORS CURE THEIR PATIENTS.

AND WHAT DOES A POLICEMAN DO?
A POLICEMAN GIVES OUT TICKETS AND STOPS TRAFFIC.

AND WHAT DOES A SECRETARY DO?
A SECRETARY TYPES ON A COMPUTER AND MAKES COFFEE.

ARTIFICIALITY 43-

WHAT DOES A FARMER DO?
A FARMER PLANTS SEEDS, BUT ALSO IT IS NECESSARY THAT S/HE HARVEST THEIR CROPS.

AND WHAT DOES A LAWYER DO?
A LAWYER DEFENDS/PROSECUTES DEFENDANTS, BUT IT IS ALSO NECESSARY THAT S/HE OBEY THE JUDGE.

AND WHAT DOES A TEACHER DO?
A TEACHER ANSWERS QUESTIONS, BUT IT IS ALSO NECESSARY THAT S/HE GRADE PAPERS.

ARTIFICIALITY 44-

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO IN THE HOUSE NORMALLY?
IT IS NECESSARY THAT I MOP THE FLOORS AND DO THE LAUNDRY.

AND WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD?
WHEN I WAS A CHILD, IT WAS NECESSARY THAT I MOPPED THE FLOORS AND DID THE LAUNDRY.

ARTIFICIALITY 44-

WHAT DOES YOUR MOTHER DEPLORE?
MY MOTHER DEPLORES THAT I SMOKE CIGARETTES IN THE HOUSE.

AND WHAT DOES YOUR FATHER FEAR?
MY FATHER FEARS THAT I'LL NOT FINISH SCHOOL.

AND WHAT DOES GRANDMA REGRET?
GRANDMA REGRETS THAT WE NOT EAT HEALTHY FOODS.

AND WHAT MAKES GRANDPA SAD?
GRANDPA IS SAD THAT I BREAK THE LAW.

ARTIFICIALITY 45-

IT IS HORRIBLE THAT UNEMPLOYMENT BE SO HIGH!
YES IT IS. HOW HORRIBLE IT IS THAT UNEMPLOYMENT IS SO HIGH!

IT IS SAD THAT GASOLINE PRICES KEEP RISING!
` INDEED. HOW SAD IT IS THAT GASOLINE PRICES KEEP RISING!

IT IS FANTASTIC THAT YOU GRADUATE COLLEGE THIS COMING JUNE!
HOW FANTASTIC IT IS THAT I GRADUATE COLLEGE THIS COMING JUNE!

ARTIFICIALITY 46-

IN THE SMITH'S HOUSE, WHO TAKES OUT THE TRASH?
IN THEIR HOUSE, JONATHAN SMITH TAKES OUT THE TRASH.

AND IN YOUR HOUSE, WHO DOES IT?
IN MY HOUSE, I TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

ARTIFICIALITY 47-

WHAT IS THERE IN THE KITCHEN?
THERE IS A DISHWASHER, A STOVE, A REFRIGERATOR, AND A LINOLEUM FLOOR.

AND WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
THERE IS A MICROWAVE OVEN THAT IS NEXT TO THE PANTRY THAT IS NEAR THE CUPBOARDS.

ARTIFICIALITY 48-

JOHN, CLEAN THE LIVING ROOM AND SCRUB THE FLOOR!
NO, MOTHER WANTS YOU TO CLEAN THE LIVING ROOM AND TO SCRUB THE FLOOR.

ARTIFICIALITY 49-

IN THE ANDERSON'S HOUSE, WHAT DOES FATHER INSIST THAT BILLY DO?
FATHER INSISTS THAT BILLY SWEEP UP THE PATIO.

AND WHAT DOES FATHER SAY TO HIM?
FATHER SAYS TO HIM "BILLY, SWEEP UP THE PATIO".

AND WHAT DOES BILLY DO?
BILLY SWEEPS UP THE PATIO.

ARTIFICIALITY 50-

MARGARET, I WANT YOU TO POINT TO YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER.

NOW WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO DO?
YOU TOLD ME TO POINT TO MY RIGHT SHOULDER.

OK, THEN DO IT.

ARTIFICIALITY 51-

WHAT DOES THERESA DO?
SHE LEAVES THE HOUSE, WALKS DOWN THE SIDEWALK, CROSSES THE STREET, AND GETS TO THE BUS STOP.

AND THEN WHAT DOES SHE DO?
THERESA WAITS FOR THE BUS, GETS ON THE BUS, PAYS THE BUS DRIVER, AND SITS DOWN.

        AND WHAT THEN?
            THEN SHE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE AND TAKES A SEAT IN THE BACK OF THE BUS.

ARTIFICIALITY 52-

MRS. JOHNSON, TAKE THE SODA AND PUT IT ON THE TABLE...WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT DO I WANT?
YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THE SODA AND TO PUT IT ON THE TABLE.

        THEN, DO IT.

        NOW, EXCHANGE THE NOTEBOOK FOR THE SODA. NOW PASS THE SODA TO TED. NOW PASS IT TO ME.
        NOW RETURN IT TO TED. AND WHAT DID YOU DO?

FIRST, I EXCHANGED THE NOTEBOOK FOR THE SODA, THEN I PASSED THE SODA TO TED, THEN TO YOU.

ARTIFICIALITY 53-

WHAT DOES AUNT LISA WANT US TO DO IN THE KITCHEN?
SHE WANTS US TO SWEEP THE FLOOR AND TO WASH THE DISHES.

OK. YOU WASH THE DISHES AND I'LL SWEEP THE FLOOR.

NO! I DON'T WANT TO! I WANT YOU TO WASH THE DISHES AND I'LL SWEEP THE FLOOR!

OK. I'LL WASH THE DISHES YOU YOU'LL SWEEP THE FLOOR. AGREED?

I AGREE.

ARTIFICIALITY 54-

WHAT DOES DAD SUGGEST THAT WE ALL DO IN THE HOUSE?
DAD SUGGESTS THAT I MOP THE FLOOR, THAT MY BROTHERS CLEAN THE WINDOWS, AND THAT YOU RAKE.

ARTIFICIALITY 55-

WHAT IS GRANDPA DOING RIGHT NOW AND WHAT HAS HE DONE BEFORE THAT?
GRANDPA DESCENDS THE STAIRS AND BEFORE THAT HAS GOTTEN DRESSED.

AND WHAT WAS GRANDPA DOING AND WHAT HAD HE DONE BEFORE THAT?
GRANDPA WAS GETTING OUT OF BED AND BEFORE THAT HE HAD SLEPT.

ARTIFICIALITY 56-

WHAT IS THERE IN THE CLASSROOM?
THERE IS A TEACHER, A CHALKBOARD, ERASERS, STUDENTS, LIGHTS, A ROOF, AND A FLOOR.

AND WHERE IS THE CHALKBOARD AND WHAT COLOR IS IT?
IT IS PART OF THE WALL AND IT IS GREEN.

AND HOW MANY BASKETS ARE THERE IN THE CLASSROOM?
THERE ARE EIGHT BASKETS.

ARTIFICIALITY 57-

WHEN JOHN WAS A STUDENT, WHAT TIME DID HE USED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE NORMALLY?
USUALLY, HE WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 8:30 A.M.

AND YOU. WHEN YOU WERE A STUDENT, WHAT TIME WOULD YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE?
IN GENERAL, I WOULD LEAVE MY HOUSE BY 9:00 A.M. AND YOU?

AND WHEN SUSANNA WAS 18 YEARS OF AGE, WHAT TIME DID SHE USED TO DINE?
SUSANNA WOULD DINE AROUND 6:00 P.M.

AND WHAT TIME DID SHE DINE YESTERDAY?
YESTERDAY, SUSANNA DINED AT 7:15 P.M. AND YOU?

ARTIFICIALITY 58-

WHAT WAS ANA DOING WHILE SHE WAS READING HER BOOK?
ANA WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO WHILE SHE WAS READING A BOOK.

AND WHEN ANA WAS A LITTLE GIRL, WHAT DID SHE USED TO DO NORMALLY ON SUNDAYS?
NORMALLY, ANA WOULD GO TO THE BEACH AND HAVE DINNER OUT WITH HER FRIENDS.

AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE AFTERNOON YESTERDAY?
YESTERDAY, I WAS READING MY NOTES FOR A MUSIC EXAM.

ARTIFICIALITY 58-

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THREE COLORED BLOCKS AND TO MAKE A TRIANGLE OUT OF THEM.
WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT DO I WANT YOU TO DO?

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THREE COLORED BLOCKS AND TO MAKE A TRIANGLE OUT OF THEM.

WELL, DO IT THEN!

NOW, I WANT YOU TO TAKE SIX PENCILS AND TO MAKE A HEXAGON OUT OF THEM.
WAIT A MOMENT! WHAT DO I WANT YOU TO DO?

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE SIX PENCILS AND TO MAKE A HEXAGON OUT OF THEM.

OK. DO IT!

ARTIFICIALITY 59-

LAST SATURDAY IN THE WADSWORTH'S HOUSE, WHAT DID FATHER PREFER THAT YOU DO?
FATHER PREFERRED THAT WE WATER THE FLOWERS.

AND JUST WHAT DID YOU ALL DO?
WE WATERED THEM AND THEN WE TOOK OUT THE TRASH.

ARTIFICIALITY 60-

WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, WHAT DID YOUR GRANDMOTHER REGRET THAT YOU DID?
WHEN I WAS A CHILD, MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO REGRET THAT I NEVER CLEANED UP.

AND WHAT USED TO MAKE YOUR BROTHER HAPPY?
MY BROTHER WAS HAPPY THAT I DIDN'T GET INTO TROUBLE.

AND WHAT WAS YOUR FATHER DEPLORING THAT YOU DID AS A CHILD?
MY FATHER USED TO DEPLORE THAT I ATE TOO MANY CHOCOLATES.

AND WHAT DID UNCLE SAMUEL IMPLORE THAT YOU DO AS A CHILD?
UNCLE SAMUEL IMPLORED THAT I EAT A LOT OF VEGETABLES AND DRANK LOTS OF WATER.

ARTIFICIALITY 61-

I WANT YOU TO TAKE A COLORED BLOCK THAT IS NEITHER BLACK NOR WHITE.
WAIT A MOMENT! WHAT DO I WANT (YOU TO DO)?

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A COLORED BLOCK THAT IS NEITHER BLACK NOR WHITE.

OK. THEN DO IT! NOW, WHAT HAVE YOU TAKEN? (Grammatically incorrect)
I HAVE TAKEN ONE THAT IS VIOLET COLORED.

AND WHAT DID I WANT YOU TO DO?
YOU WANTED ME TO TAKE A COLORED BLOCK THAT WAS NEITHER BLACK NOR WHITE.

AND WHAT DID YOU DO?
I TOOK ONE THAT WAS VIOLET IN COLOR.

ARTIFICIALITY 62-

WHAT ARE THEY LOOKING FOR?
THEY ARE LOOKING FOR AN EXPERIENCED MECHANIC WHO KNOWS HOW TO REPAIR CARS.

AHA! I KNOW OF ONE. MR. REGINALD GOODBAR IS A MECHANIC WHO KNOWS HOW TO REPAIR CARS!

ARTIFICIALITY 63-

WHAT WERE YOU LOOKING FOR LAST YEAR?
I WAS LOOKING FOR A SURGEON WHO KNEW HOW TO REMOVE INTERNAL BODY PARTS WELL.

AND WHAT WAS YOUR SISTER NEEDING?
MY SISTER WAS NEEDING A GYNECOLOGIST WHO HAD A GOOD BEDSIDE MANNER.

ARTIFICIALITY 64-

AND JUST WHAT WAS THE CITY OF ALBUQUERQUE, NM LOOKING FOR?
THE CITY OF ALBUQUERQUE WAS LOOKING FOR A PLUMBER WHO COULD REPAIR PIPES.

AND WHAT WAS THE CITY OF ABERDEEN, WA NEEDING?
THE CITY OF ABERDEEN WAS NEEDING A GARDENER WHO WAS GOOD AT CUTTING LAWNS.

ARTIFICIALITY 65-

        TAKE FOUR COLORED BLOCKS AND MAKE A PARALLELOGRAM OUT OF THEM.
            OK, NOW TAKE FIVE COLORED BLOCKS AND MAKE A PENTAGON OUT OF THEM.
        FINALLY, TAKE FOUR COLORED BLOCKS AND MAKE A TRAPEZOID OUT OF THEM.

ARTIFICIALITY 65-

IS IT GOOD THAT YOU DRIVE TO TUCUMCARI?
YES, IT IS GOOD THAT WE DRIVE THERE.

DO YOU LIKE THAT I CLEAN UP THE LIVING ROOM?
YES, I LIKE THAT YOU CLEAN UP THE LIVING ROOM.

ARTIFICIALITY 66-

WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S A BALLPOINT PEN.

AND WHAT COLOR IS IT?
IT IS SILVER.

AND WHERE IS IT?
IT IS IN YOUR HAND!

ARTIFICIALITY 67-

HOW MANY CHAIRS ARE IN THE CLASSROOM?
THERE ARE THIRTY-THREE.

AND WHAT COLOR ARE THEY?
THEY ARE BEIGE.

AND WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY ARE ON THE FLOOR!

ARTIFICIALITY 68-

HOW MANY BOOKS AND ERASERS ARE THERE?
THERE ARE FIVE BOOKS AND TEN ERASERS.

AND WHERE ARE THEY?
THE BOOKS ARE UNDER THE TABLE AND THE ERASERS ARE NEXT TO THE SHELF.

ARTIFICIALITY 69-

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM GETTING OUT OF MY SEAT, WALKING TO THE DOOR, OPENING IT, AND CLOSING IT.

        WHAT ELSE ARE YOU DOING?

            I AM LEAVING THE CLASSROOM, RE-ENTERING IT, AND RETURNING TO MY CHAIR.

AND, FINALLY, WHAT ELSE ARE YOU DOING?

I AM SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE, OPENING MY PACKET, AND CLOSING IT.

ARTIFICIALITY 70-

WHERE IS THE CAT?
IT IS ATOP THE INVERTED TRASH CAN.

AND WHERE ARE THE TROPICAL BIRDS?

THEY ARE IN THE BIRDCAGE.

AND WHERE IS THE SAINT BERNARD DOG?

IT IS BEHIND THE BOOKSHELF, TO THE LEFT OF THE SIAMESE CATS.

AND WHERE IS THE TIGER?

IT IS BENEATH THE BUSH.

ARTIFICIALITY 71-

HI! MY NAME IS JAMISON HOLLOWAY. WHAT'S YOURS AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

MY NAME IS BRIGHAM MILES AND I HAVE THE GRAPES. AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

I HAVE THE NECTARINES.

ARTIFICIALITY 72-

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR WORKBOOK?

MY WORKBOOK IE BLUE AND WHITE.

AND WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR PENCILS?

MY PENCILS ARE TURQUOISE, CREAM, GOLDEN BROWN, PUMPKIN, AND PEACH COLORED.

ARTIFICIALITY 73-

WHEN TRISTAN WAS A STUDENT, WHAT TIME DID HE USED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE?

HE USED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 8:30 A.M.

AND YESTERDAY, WHAT TIME DID HE LEAVE?

YESTERDAY, HE LEFT THE HOUSE AT 10 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

AND WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, WHAT TIME DID YOU USED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE?

WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I USED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 9 A.M.

AND LAST NIGHT?

LAST NIGHT, I LEFT THE HOUSE JUST BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

ARTIFICIALITY 74-

WHAT DO YOU AND LOUISE DO.

WE WASH THE CAR, PACK OUR BAGS, AND TAKE OFF CAMPING.

AND WHAT TIME DO YOU NORMALLY RETURN HOME?

WE NORMALLY RETURN HOME BY 10 IN THE EVENING.

ARTIFICIALITY 75-

PRONUNCIATION, PLEASE? ("Countryside")

NOW, SPELL IT OUT BY POINTING WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE PHONICS CHART

Though this list (taken from a real community college foreign language program) is by no means exhausted, I will continue to add more information as I go along. For students to be paying top dollar for a second-language program that offers them no meaningful, day-to-day conversational skills whatsoever is quite appalling, ludicrous actually, in my professional opinion. A nonsensical foreign language program makes no sense at all, literally. It is quite surprising to know that such a foreign language program as this one is still being taught in today's hi-tech 21st Century!

To order THE SPANISH SAMPLER:

"We live in a fictitious world."
Michael Moore (from his Academy Awards acceptance speech, March 23, 2003)

"Academicians try to recreate the world in their own image."
from master Spanish teacher and musician, Buck Arbuckle (1944- )

"You drop in on feudal lords and you find yourself taking part in knightly tournaments."
from Ivan Turgenev's Russian novel Fathers and Sons, 1862

Please continue to Lingüistic Sources of Hallowe'en.

Hallowe'en poem: Winds of October

Day of the Dead/Día de los muertos

Origins of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving short story of fantasy: The Ghost of Thanksgiving

Origins of Christmas

Origins of St.Valentine's Day

Origins of Easter